January 6th Unearthed
The myth of the January 6th insurrection
Author: Happy
Dissertation submitted in completion of a Doctorate of Philosophy in American Anthropological and Cultural Studies
Under the supervision of Israel Stinklefein, Department of American Anthropology, Trump University
Abstract: The January 6th, 2021 US Capitol insurrection, involving a mob of 10,000, is widely believed to have occurred, with widespread news coverage in every media source and social media site, complete with full color glossy photos and captivating videos. However, it is almost certainly a myth of an overactive American imagination that had suffered a traumatic virus and an acrimonious presidential election. Despite the massive media coverage, there is a total absence of solid, unambiguous physical evidence. In addition, the sheer scale of what is claimed to have happened generates many irresolvable practical and logistical impossibilities. Furthermore, the entire story exhibits classic mythological characteristics that are unlikely to be grounded in reality.
Keywords: Make America Great Again, Capitol Hill, Della Barba's Pizza, West Virginia, Marching Band.
Complete lack of physical evidence
Washington DC
To investigate this story, I embarked upon an archaeological study of the Capitol grounds. As our team approached the front lawn, a surface investigation displayed no indications that there was ever such a crowd. From a mob of 10,000, one would expect a great deal of litter strewn everywhere, candy wrappers, beef jerky packaging, buffalo wing bones, and discarded cans of spam, but the grounds were pristine and spotless. We decided to investigate further by digging beneath the surface. Based on a careful analysis of the media reports, we determined the most likely location (Archaeological Site 1) would be a spot of 1 square meter on the grass next to the Reflecting Pool.
Although the Capitol police had refused us permission to bring proper digging equipment, such as excavators, earthmovers, or even full-sized shovels, we circumvented this by concealing small garden spades in our coat pockets. After about 5 minutes of excavation, we were noticed, and the police angrily evicted us from the grounds along with a citation for vandalism. Fortunately, we were not arrested. Our investigation, although quick, was thorough, and yielded nothing, except for one copper penny at the bottom of the reflecting pool that we sent to a lab for further testing.
Disappointed but undaunted, we turned our attention to a probable station where the marchers would have provisioned themselves, Della Barba's Pizza on East Capitol Street (Archaeological Site 2), about a kilometer from Capitol Hill. We arrived during the lunch hour, so in order to not draw attention to ourselves, we ordered a double pepperoni pie with mushrooms, then settled ourselves in the back. Half of our team took turns eating while the other half investigated. This proved to be difficult as we received some suspicious glances from patrons as we attempted as nonchalantly as possible to check under their tables and chairs. One woman yelled at us and threatened to call the police, we placated her by showing our academic credentials and assuring her that we were reporting for a local student publication. We probed the entire restaurant with a fine-tooth-comb, even in the bathroom stalls and behind the toilets, but in the end, we walked away with no clues of the alleged Jan 6th marchers.
Parkersburg, West Virginia
After the fruitless efforts in Washington DC, we turned towards a different avenue, the likely origin of the alleged marchers. Careful study of media reports indicated that a contingent of the alleged insurrectionists stemmed from the Parkersburg, West Virginia area. We drove in the general direction of West Virginia, although my Waze was broken at the time, and I'm not good with highway signs, so we had to rely on physical clues and markers to orient ourselves. Some things we know about West Virginia is that it is mountainous, the dominant architectural style is a combination of ramshackle single-story hovels and rusting trailers, and the population is mostly obese, addicted to opioids, and mentally disabled.
After a few hours, we were treated to breathtaking views of a scenic mountain vista. We entered the first town and drove along the main street, lined with abandoned shells of brick buildings, the only sign of human activity being shambling vagrants and druggies. As we then turned onto some side streets, there appeared hovels in various states of disrepair. We drove for a few more minutes until we saw several instances of drooling masses of human flesh sitting on the front stoop of their decrepit shacks, their hairy bellies poking out of the bottom of their shirts, yelling incoherent slurs at us. At this point, we were sure we had reached West Virginia.
The first site we decided to investigate was a low-slung rotted aluminum trailer, about 600 sq. feet in size (Archaeological Site 3). We knocked on the rusting door and requested permission from the homeowner to investigate the interior of the dwelling, however, he retrieved a shotgun, and threatened to (sic) "load ye up with buckshot like dem wild hoags" if we would step on his lawn again. After this hostile encounter, we made the decision to investigate clandestinely.
At nightfall, the team approached the back of another dwelling (Archaeological Site 4), a small wooden shack with peeling white paint, about 750 sq. feet, which we accessed by wrenching open a bedroom window. Inside the bedroom was a sleeping female, about 80 years of age, who stirred when we climbed in. Since she was likely well past the average West Virginian life expectancy, I finished the job with judicious use of her pillow. Once her struggles had died down, we spent several hours combing through the house looking for clues of the marchers, but we came away empty-handed. We exited the house in the wee morning hours and made sure to dispose of the cadaver in a ravine a few blocks away.
Summary of Findings
Archaeological Site 1, Capitol Hill Reflecting Pool- no evidence found, one copper penny sent to lab for further investigation.
Archaeological Site 2, restaurant in Washington DC- no evidence found
Archaeological Site 3, dwelling in Parkersburg, WV- inaccessible
Archaeological Site 4, dwelling in Parkersburg, WV- no evidence found, cadaver disposed of
We began the investigation fully believing we would find a veritable trove of unambiguous evidence, but after days of disappointing expeditions into the most likely sites, none of the expected artifacts turned up. Not a single notepad with rebellious plans scrawled on it, not a single pocket knife with one of the insurrectionists' names engraved on it, not even the famous flex cuffs that were supposedly used for detaining senators. That alone should be enough to completely shut the door on the historicity of this narrative.
Logistical impossibilities
It is claimed that there were 10,000 people who marched on the Capitol. The average lane width in the United States is 12 feet. If 2 men marched abreast, so that there would be 6 feet between them (to comply with Covid guidance), the line would stretch 9 kilometers along East Capitol Street, past the Anacostia River, into the Black neighborhood of east Washington. Besides for the casualties of men drowning in the river, this white supremacist militia would be easy prey for the Black gangs that prowl the neighborhood, and even if the leaders were so clueless as to send the marchers in this direction, it is unlikely that many would survive. Furthermore, once this column reached the Capitol grounds, it would run into the insurmountable obstacle of entering the Capitol building itself. Since the door is only 4 feet wide, the column of marchers would miss the entrance and bump into the wall.
There is also the formidable problem of provisioning such a large army. Assuming, as before, that the column is marching in a straight line along East Capitol Street, the number of restaurants along the mostly residential avenue would be woefully insufficient for their nutritional needs. A recent survey turned up only three eateries: "Jimmy T's Place", "Della Barba Pizza" (mentioned before as Archaeological Site 2), and "Hong Kong Carryout", giving an upper bound of feeding at most 65 people, and it is unlikely that the number of restaurants exceeded this in early 2021, in the heart of the pandemic. This is especially if, as is likely the case, they would be relying on exclusively American cuisine. It cannot be supposed that this xenophobic group would be interested in Asian street food. There is also no suggestion in the narrative that the troops brought their own victuals, nor would there have been a way to preserve such provisions over the long distance they supposedly traveled, all the way from West Virginia.
Mythological characteristics and the "solidification" process of the myth
The January 6th narrative follows a classic pattern of stories about strong leaders making a desperate last stand about their enemies. Flamboyant businessman-turned-president, Donald Trump, orders marchers from all over the country to converge on Washington DC to prevent the Democrats from taking the election. Meanwhile, his treacherous vice president, Mike Pence, conspires with the enemy to deliver the office into their hands. The marchers valiantly attempt to stop votes from being counted, but are repulsed by better armed forces. In the end, their mission fails, and they are rounded up and imprisoned by their foes. Is there any doubt that this is an archetype of the mythological epic, so familiar to us from the Illiad all the way to Macbeth?
How did this myth develop? How was the narrative spun, and how were the fake photographs and videos created and disseminated? We suggest that this follows the familiar process of mythmaking and "solidification", that is, once a story takes hold in the public consciousness, it "makes the rounds" and is further embellished upon. What started as a tale of perhaps two election protesters, which may have been rooted in fact, morphed on social media into 100, 1000, until it became a full blown insurrection of 10,000 marchers. In addition to this, people would have immediately started photoshopping photographs of Trump rallies or riots in various parts of the world onto images of the US Capitol, as a form of creative expression. Finally, other creative individuals would have engaged in the common Western cultural expression of "cosplay", that is dressing up as the characters of their favorite fiction and acting out the scenes on video as a form of fictional "documentary". These "documentaries" would have made the rounds on social media, and eventually be picked up by mainstream media, contributing the coup de grace that would forever "crystallize" this myth as a historical event, despite its complete lack of foundation in reality.
The evolutionary process of "documentary evidence" has endless precedent in other historical myths. For example, although we are sure Heracles never existed, there are countless ancient sculptures of him remaining, with many more to be uncovered. Hundreds of pottery jars with frescoes of Athena fill the world's museums. There exist entire temples dedicated to Apollo. In the same way, the January 6th narrative started becoming popular, the "documentary evidence" concurrently began the process of "solidification". Although there may be other explanations for how this story took hold so strongly, I find this hypothesis the most compelling, and henceforth term it the "Documentary Hypothesis".
Conclusion
We have demonstrated beyond a shadow of doubt that the supposed march on the Capitol on January 6th never transpired. There is no evidence for this occurrence, and there is in fact overwhelming evidence from many scientific fields opposing it. The genesis of this myth was in the confusion of the American populace in the aftermath of the tumultuous Covid 19 pandemic and the 2020 Presidential election; however, it soon spun out of control as more confirmatory “documentation” was created and “discovered”, eventually resulting in wholesale acceptance by the media and educated class. Despite its non-historicity, this myth serves as a powerful and enduring legacy into the combativeness and tenacity of the American spirit.
Conflict of Interest Statement: There are no conflict of interests to report, except for funding from the Trump Organization, the Save America Foundation, the Make America Great Again Foundation, and the Biblical Museum of Natural History
https://www.amazon.com/Bible-Unearthed-Archaeologys-Vision-Ancient/dp/0684869136
https://midbarsheker.wordpress.com/
https://www.academia.edu/15361380/%D7%9E%D7%93%D7%91%D7%A8_%D7%A9%D7%A7%D7%A8_%D7%9B%D7%AA%D7%91_%D7%A2%D7%AA_%D7%94%D7%99%D7%A1%D7%98%D7%95%D7%A8%D7%99_%D7%9C%D7%97%D7%A7%D7%A8_%D7%93%D7%A8%D7%95%D7%9D_%D7%9E%D7%A2%D7%A8%D7%91_%D7%90%D7%A1%D7%99%D7%94_%D7%91%D7%9E%D7%90%D7%95%D7%AA_%D7%94_%D7%9B_%D7%9B_%D7%90
3/28/2323
review by " Markivos Paroh"
4 stars
Fascinating article. Puts the January 6th alleged riots in an entirely new perspective.
Drawing from his vast background in archeology, anthropology, and polemology, the author presents a very convincing argument that the alleged riots were actually nothing more than an old lady choking on a copper penny. Only criticism I have is that he left out many arguments that would actually prove his case.
He forgets to mention that Elon Musk's internet satellite began orbiting at around the same time. It is quite likely that a malfunctioning satellite collided with a corona vaccine, and caused a large explosion. It is very likely that the debris that fell may have landed near West Virginia. Had it fell anywhere else, it would have been well documented. However, nothing that happens in WV gets reported anywhere, so that is the most likely explanation.
The author also forgets to mention what I point out in my new book "Mysterious Features" that the entire state of WV actually didn't exist until the year 2054. It was a commonly believed myth though, a holdover from the Gettysburg address, when Lincoln mistakenly confused Virginia with Virgin Islands.
There are numerous other proofs, though I will only mention some of them briefly. The word "insurrection" is clearly a mutation of the word "resurrection", which was a commonly held belief amongst Habad and Christians during the early 21st century. That itself is clear evidence of the entire story being manufactured. Additionally, archeological evidence has proven that the capital of the US in 2021 was Los Angeles, and not Washington. As is well known, during that time period people still believed in the Washington theory, i.e. that George Washington actually existed. It has since been determined that it was actually a pseudonym for John Hancock. I wrote about this at great length in my book.
There is much more to say, but i'll save it for a different time.