The Reporter Who Was Concerned About Climate Change

The burning issue of our times

There was once a teacher in the Washington, D.C. public school system who, after years of hard work, finally obtained his PhD in Education. He was very proud of his achievement, which allowed him to at long last ditch the classroom and secure the cushy job in the school district office that he dreamed of, doing nothing. Best of all, it enabled him to self-righteously demand that everybody address him as “Dr.” in all verbal and written communications. Unfortunately for this fellow though, only a short while later, the district enacted budget cuts, and his cushy position was among the first to go. He didn’t have the energy to return to teaching rowdy inner-city classes, but possessed somewhat of a talent for writing, and so started penning articles for the Washington Post about climate change and the greedy oil companies, whose right-wing advocacy he blamed for the loss of his cushy job.

Each week, the reporter produced another column about how the world would end in ten years in a hellish fire, and how it is all the oil companies’ fault. Any time there was a hurricane, it was the oil companies’ fault. Earthquake- the oil companies. Crime wave-the oil companies. Terrorism- the oil companies. His team lost the World Series- the oil companies.

Ten years later, without skipping a beat, he triumphantly wrote about how all his predictions were even more correct than anybody expected, and that climate change will bring about the Armageddon in another ten years.

By that time it was 2025, and World War III had begun. The reporter was lucky to be on vacation at his sister’s place in South Carolina when they dropped the nuke on D.C., and when he returned, after bemusedly touring the crater site, was even more lucky to find that the newspaper still existed, operating out of a ramshackle house on the east bank of the Anacostia river, and his job was still there

Meanwhile, the nation had forgotten all their old, silly divisions they had the luxury of squabbling over during peacetime, and were united in the pursuit of one common purpose, together with their allies, the Russians and Chinese- to defeat the French. Every newspaper and blog was focused on this patriotic spirit of unity, encouraging each individual to contribute in his or her own way.

This reporter, on the other hand, was too lazy to fight for his country, preferring to relax at home, and was very disturbed that everybody seemed to have forgotten about his pet peeve, climate change and oil companies. In his opinion, this was still by far the burning issue of the times. He didn’t realize that achieving victory in the war was the top national priority, and had little if nothing to do with his personal obsession. Oblivious to all of this, he persisted with a continual stream of articles exclusively about climate change, as if nothing meaningful had changed, except for overlaying the war theme onto his standard rhetoric. For example:

What Oil Companies Need to Understand About Our Soldiers

How Climate Change Made This War Worse

We Need to Talk About It More Than Ever: Climate Change and the Oil Companies’ Culpability

The Oil Companies’ Quest to Hamper the Development of Solar-Powered Tanks

Everybody who saw this shook their head in disbelief and sadness, wondering how this once talented writer had descended into the depths of crankery with no awareness of current world affairs. Eventually, his siblings, overcome by grief and shame, were able to obtain power of attorney over him and had him committed to an institution. While they were taking leave of their disgraced, straightjacket-bound brother, allowing themselves a tiny hope that he would be healed, they overheard him muttering in a catatonic drone:

“Climate change…oil companies…climate change…oil companies…”

With heavy hearts and pained expressions, they slowly trudged back to the parking lot and made their way home.