Difficult Questions about Hannukah

Poor little Marvin is so very confused

A special shout-out (or is it howl-out?) to my anonymous friend Don Coyote who was the inspiration for this post!

  Q. Abba, why did the Maccabees wage the war in the story of Hannukah?
 A. To defeat the evil Yevanim and Mityavnim.
 Q. Why did they want to defeat them?
 A. Because they wanted to impose secular culture on to the Jews.
 Q. The Maccabees were chareidi?!
 A. No way, Jose! They were Modern Orthodox, like us.
 Q. Who was Mattityahu?
 A. He was the father of the great Judah the Maccabee.
 Q. So he was a Kachnik radical?
 A. No way, why would you think he was a Kachnik radical?
 Q. Because only Kachnik radicals would think to kill someone in the name of religion.
 A. No, no, in the olden days the Modern Orthodox also used to protest infringements on religion.

 Q. So why did the Maccabees hold hafganot and we don't?
 A. Because today we have our Medina. Only Neturei Kartaniks are stuck in time.
 Q. And then they didn’t have a Medina?
 A. I think it’s time for you to watch Netflix.
 Q. Did the Maccabees watch Netflix?
 A. Of course! They watched Netflix all the time!
 Q. They didn't learn Torah?
 A. No way!
 Q. So why did they feel so strongly about Judaism?
 A. Well they learned a very little teeny bit.
 Q. Like a 30 second YouTube clip once in a blue moon?
 A. No!
 Q. So what did Mattityahu do?
 A. He was the Kohen Gadol.
 Q. So how did he go to college wearing his eight garments?
 A. How do you know he went to college?
 Q. Jerry told me that a real Jew who cares about the economy gets a degree.
 A. You spend too much time with Jerry, but he is right.
 Q. What did the Maccabees want?
 A. They wanted to stamp out Hellenist culture.
 Q. Is this what we want?
 A. That is something that the Charedim want.
 Q. Abba, I want to be a chareidi, a Neturei Kartanik and a Kachnik!
 A. OMG, what the hell is wrong with you?!